problems of the heart....heart attack?

finally was back to jb on saturday...

today went to singapore, went to chinatown before heading home...

and before tat went to bugis and my auntie(xiao yi) means my little aunt from my mother side...

bugis street is sooooo damn crowded and mostly becoz of the sudden heavy rain...

trap almost everyone inside and my sister also tease me, "haha..if i kw u'll lose ur mood due to over-crowded place, i'll bring u to this kind of place in future so i can keep all the money for my clothes..."

so shitty sister lah...haha...

she kws im moody, coz i dun even wannna buy my CD...

is soooooooooooo damn many people tat like my sister says, if u turn ur head, ur bound to kiss someone....

when the rain is back to drizzling, we run back to bugis junction and i brought my fries again, but tis time not the heavy cheese, but herb mayo....

is good, less saltier....haha...but my dad says it's salty...

well, maybe the mayo is salty enuf itself, plus the amount of salt they put, mite be a lil too salty for some people, like my dad...

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well, juz nw i told my dad i wanna buy the ticket to go to melaka...

he asked why later on, i said i wanna go and greet my god-bro or to them, my fren, for the chinese new year u kw...

on the 7th is lunar calender, 1st of janaury, for the chinese...a beginning of a brand new year...

then later he continue saying, " why ur so cheap to visit ur fren and not he drive down since he drive's?"

well, my purpose to go to melaka is beco my god-bro's family is reli nice to me and i haven't visit them for the past two years, last and first in my god-bro's 21st b'day..

my dad actually say im cheap...

i dun kw wat he is tinknig...

i dun reli care...i dun wanna know either..

my dad is nice, he luvs us all, but why did he says tat of me?

im back to the square again, battling against myself...

i dun kw how long i can last, i dun kw when i mite say good-bye..

the only reason i am still here, last due to tat bastard, is my grandfather, and my family and my closest fren...

so wat if im cheap?

i've tot of it now, if i have bf, i'll tell them, even if im not a virgin anymore, who cares u kw, is 21st century...

even if i am not a virgin, it doesn't mean i am bad or wat...

if my future- husband wants my virgin, why not he marry my virgin instead of me?


i mean, is it wrong to visit my fren, and he is my god-bro......

if a guy visit his gal-fren means he is flirty or wat?

trust me, if teres any medication infront of me, i'll swallow it....whole bottle or watever...

tis is the first time i talk about my family ting so openly...

im sorry aparnaa, im sorry..

u kw wat i mean and feel rite?

is not i dun luv my dad, but my heart hasn't heal completely, after chanting the sutra tis morning juz make me feel more peaceful..

and now, im back to square one......

aparnaa, i can't take it anymore...

im so lonely.....so helpless....

i hate myself soo much...

so wat if im slut or cheap....so wat....


my dad nowdays, scold me for the slightest ting, like not taking my hp to singapore, i supose to bank in the money for my housemate..

they never told me in the first place, wat for i ned to bring my hp to singapore when i cant even use it?

aparnaa, i dun kw, im so lost, is not i hate my dad or wat, i kw he has his problem, but, is too much for me u kw...

aparnaa, i wish ur here...

not even HE knows...

i juz wanna give up in everyting...


my heart.....juz cant take so much anymore.....

am i pretty or am i not?

am i unique or am i not?

am i useless or am i not?

am i?am i?


i kw he doesnt like someone who gvs up so easily, but when im so alone, and so small is my heart, how much can it take?

i wish all will be fine for cny...

i wish ur here....i wish i could meet u guys in class tmrw, like for the past form 2 to 5...

dun worry, i'll be ok...

give me 3 days would be enough...^^

i luv u...


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and early this morning, went to singapore and pray in the temple...

wash my